I'm just going to whine a little here. It's no big deal.
First of all, I love having neighbors. I love that this guy below us turns up his music so he can clearly hear it while he's in the shower. I love that it makes our floor vibrate and the pictures on the wall shake. It's cool that's its rave music, too. Because I've always wanted to go to a rave, or better yet, have one in my house. This guy is a keeper.
Lately I've been in one of those funks you get in when the season is trying to change but sometimes it can't make up it's mind... for some reason it puts me in one of those funks. I see everyone going off on vacations and seeing palm trees and sunshine and being able to take off their jackets when they're outside... and it makes me sad. Not because I live in a frozen tundra of ice and snow, but because I miss the good ol' days when 'me roomies and I' would take spontaneous trips. One time my friends Kristi and Ryan took a random drive to Park City, Utah one night. It was literally one of the best memories I have of my college career (if you can even call my time at college a 'career'). I miss it so much that often times, it brings me to tears. Sometimes when my life seems to be full of disappointment and lack of everything awesome, I look up from my computer and see a framed wedding picture and think: "what the heck was I thinking? Getting married at 20?! Why didn't anyone stop me?" Seriously, I feel that way sometimes. Not that I hate my husband, because I don't, I just don't like this feeling of being tied down all the time. I can't go on awesome road trips with my friends, or late night dinners at IHOP... instead, my days are filled with working, cooking, cleaning and sitting on the couch watching lame movies. I feel so awesome. (not.)
Last night as Warren and I were laying in bed starring at the ceiling listening to our neighbors cool music, we were discussing the pressure there is to start having kids. We've noticed it a lot lately. I just see other people doing it, and think... well I'm not going to be useful for anything else... I was so reassured that Warren was feeling the same way. No, we aren't any where near that stage of life yet, but it was nice to know that I wasn't the only one feeling an immense amount of pressure to do something I don't feel adequate for.
Job hunting is an odd sensation. I've had a few interviews, and I actually got offered one of the part time position I applied for, only problem is that it is about 40 minutes away, and that's not during rush hour. It wasn't the place I applied to, but I interviewed anyways because it was the right thing to do, not expecting to be hired on the spot. I'm still not sure if I'm going to take it. The minute she offered me the position, I immediately felt knots in my stomach. There is no way I can make travel arrangements and get Warren to work and picked up on time if I'm this far away. We looked up the city transit route, and it would take an hour and a half via the train and 4 different bus routes. If it were a full time job and paid more, maybe... Also, I've had some interviews for some full time positions which is what I want. Well, no... I want a full time and a part time, because I've got nothing better to do and I know I'm going to have to contribute a lot when Warren goes back to school... but getting the part time job first, it a little irresponsible in my eyes because you don't know what your hours will be like, and if you are trying to fit in a full time job during the day... you might have to change your hours for your other job... and your employer will be beyond annoyed with you. Trust me, I know. Anyways, that's my rant on that.
Tomorrow I'm interviewing downtown for a law firm. It's not anything super amazing, just a reception position. Have I ever told you my fear of tall buildings? Thanks to 9-11 being broadcast live, I've had a terrible fear of tall buildings. Guess what kind of building this law firm is in... a tall one. Warren showed me this video of the buildings swaying during the earthquake in Japan last week.. big mistake buddy.
Anyways, that's why I've been feeling a little 'blah' lately. Just reminiscing through old photos from college and missing all my roommates and not feeling like I'm good at anything that matters. Sorry this post is so depressing, gah!
First of all, I love having neighbors. I love that this guy below us turns up his music so he can clearly hear it while he's in the shower. I love that it makes our floor vibrate and the pictures on the wall shake. It's cool that's its rave music, too. Because I've always wanted to go to a rave, or better yet, have one in my house. This guy is a keeper.
Lately I've been in one of those funks you get in when the season is trying to change but sometimes it can't make up it's mind... for some reason it puts me in one of those funks. I see everyone going off on vacations and seeing palm trees and sunshine and being able to take off their jackets when they're outside... and it makes me sad. Not because I live in a frozen tundra of ice and snow, but because I miss the good ol' days when 'me roomies and I' would take spontaneous trips. One time my friends Kristi and Ryan took a random drive to Park City, Utah one night. It was literally one of the best memories I have of my college career (if you can even call my time at college a 'career'). I miss it so much that often times, it brings me to tears. Sometimes when my life seems to be full of disappointment and lack of everything awesome, I look up from my computer and see a framed wedding picture and think: "what the heck was I thinking? Getting married at 20?! Why didn't anyone stop me?" Seriously, I feel that way sometimes. Not that I hate my husband, because I don't, I just don't like this feeling of being tied down all the time. I can't go on awesome road trips with my friends, or late night dinners at IHOP... instead, my days are filled with working, cooking, cleaning and sitting on the couch watching lame movies. I feel so awesome. (not.)
Last night as Warren and I were laying in bed starring at the ceiling listening to our neighbors cool music, we were discussing the pressure there is to start having kids. We've noticed it a lot lately. I just see other people doing it, and think... well I'm not going to be useful for anything else... I was so reassured that Warren was feeling the same way. No, we aren't any where near that stage of life yet, but it was nice to know that I wasn't the only one feeling an immense amount of pressure to do something I don't feel adequate for.
Job hunting is an odd sensation. I've had a few interviews, and I actually got offered one of the part time position I applied for, only problem is that it is about 40 minutes away, and that's not during rush hour. It wasn't the place I applied to, but I interviewed anyways because it was the right thing to do, not expecting to be hired on the spot. I'm still not sure if I'm going to take it. The minute she offered me the position, I immediately felt knots in my stomach. There is no way I can make travel arrangements and get Warren to work and picked up on time if I'm this far away. We looked up the city transit route, and it would take an hour and a half via the train and 4 different bus routes. If it were a full time job and paid more, maybe... Also, I've had some interviews for some full time positions which is what I want. Well, no... I want a full time and a part time, because I've got nothing better to do and I know I'm going to have to contribute a lot when Warren goes back to school... but getting the part time job first, it a little irresponsible in my eyes because you don't know what your hours will be like, and if you are trying to fit in a full time job during the day... you might have to change your hours for your other job... and your employer will be beyond annoyed with you. Trust me, I know. Anyways, that's my rant on that.
Tomorrow I'm interviewing downtown for a law firm. It's not anything super amazing, just a reception position. Have I ever told you my fear of tall buildings? Thanks to 9-11 being broadcast live, I've had a terrible fear of tall buildings. Guess what kind of building this law firm is in... a tall one. Warren showed me this video of the buildings swaying during the earthquake in Japan last week.. big mistake buddy.
Anyways, that's why I've been feeling a little 'blah' lately. Just reminiscing through old photos from college and missing all my roommates and not feeling like I'm good at anything that matters. Sorry this post is so depressing, gah!
6 comments:
That was seriously such a fun road trip with Ryan. I miss those days too Kels. And I miss YOU! But one thing I have learned is that sometimes, those moments in life that seem so bright and happy, are impossible to get back. And when you try, it's never the same. That fact is kind of depressing, but you just have to realize that you can't keep living the same moments over and over because you would never grow or move on with your life. We're supposed to experience many different things in this life. I definitely know how you feel though. I miss those days with you, Lorissa, Ryan, Jason, etc. so much it almost hurts sometimes. Hang in there. You'll be in my prayers. And as cliche as this is going to sound, I honestly feel with my whole heart that happiness will find you very soon! You're too amazing of a person to not have an amazing life! Love ya! (Sorry that was so long haha)
Yesterday I was feeling "blah" as well. We all have been sick for a loooong time and I was tired of it and was feeling sorry for myself. That morning I took B in the front room to play while I ate breakfast. This poor girl has been covered in hives, is getting her first 3 molars, and has had an off and on fever...and what was she doing? She was having the time of her life! She was laughing, talking, and having a blast playing with her toys. She had many reasons to be sad and ornery but instead was focusing on the good things, her toys! :) And then it hit me. We will always have hardships and trials but there are always good things in life no matter what we're going through. So my little 13 month old daughter taught me to always find the good in life and focus on that instead of focusing on the bad. So from now on I've decided to always try and have the "glass is half full" approach on life despite the trials that I may go through. I think it'll make a big difference in my life and with this attitude I'm hoping will also help us all get better sooner! :)
I've been there, only I wasn't brave enough to admit it to myself for a while. The scary place where you start to feel trapped and wonder just what you got yourself into?
For me it took a major attitude adjustment to realize that I wasn't stuck, and that it was my choice to be where I was, no one could make me stay. Not like it would be a simple choice to walk away, but if I had to, I could. I think knowing that gave me the power to get myself from the scary place of wondering "what if" to the place where I could move on with my life and my relationship with my husband and make it more of what I wanted it to be.
I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now, but I know that they can and will get better. I know its frustrating, but I know that you'll get through this blah time. Love ya Kels, you're amazing.
Things will get better. :)
I. HATE. BLAH. DAYS. And I have them frequently. I see what others are doing with their lives, and I'm jealous. I know I shouldn't be, but I see those with babies, and houses, and all that jazz, and I think, "yeah... well... I've gone to a lot of school!" Lame, I know. Comparing myself to others (and always falling short) is what I'm good at! And I need to knock it off! It gets me nowhere but deeper in my pit of dispare. I've done a lot too (and so have you!). So this is what I've learned. It's not fair to anyone to compare myself (yourself) to others. It accomplishes nothing. I've (You've) done a lot that others would love to do. We each have our own lives to live and we know better than others what's best for us. Timing. Working. You name it. :)
I don't mean to discount your feelings. I promise. I've just been thinking a lot about these things lately too, so I just spewed out some of my thoughts :) I hope your blah is short lived. I hate feeling that way.
Thanks for all the wonderful comments. It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not alone. I'm not as 'blah' as it came across. I know that I've done lot of in life and I'm making a huge sacrifice by moving to a different country and following the laws of immigration. I'll get past it just one of those days when everything has got me down. Thanks you guys!
Hey Kelsey, when I read your blog, and the comments you leave on mine it always make me wonder why we weren't better and closer friends when we were in High School together, because seriously we are like EXACTLY the same!! :) We have so much in common it always makes me chuckle. Not because our situations are funny (well not always atleast) but just because they are SO similar. I know I didn't move to a foreign country, but still 1500 miles from any friends or family... it feels foriegn... Anyway my point is this, I really do feel for you, I have many of the same thoughts/feelings/insecurities/doubts/emotional moments and pressures that you do, and honestly it makes me feel better to know I'm not alone in them. I wish you didn't experience them, but I see how totally incredible you are despite everything going on in your life and it gives me hope for myself :) So for what its worth (which I realize may not be much) I think your great, and thank you for sharing things about your life, even when you think you are just whinning, because whether you realize it or not, it truly helps me out!
Post a Comment