On Sunday, as per our Sunday ritual, we had dinner with Warren's dad and his wife. We were joined by the sister missionaries, who of course, left us with a challenge. Normally the challenge is missionary work related. Being a convert, you'd think that missionary work would be right up my alley, but it's not. I mean, it's very dear to my heart- but I don't go out talking about it, unless I'm asked a specific question by someone. But the challenge they gave us was different. It was for us to reflect back and take notice in the areas that HF's hands have played a role in our lives.
At first, I thought "well, duh. My entire life". But then I started to really reflect. I thought for sure, I could come up with a billion different times. I come from a poor family and am victim of abuse, and the only reason I am standing here today is because of HF's hands in my life. But I thought, maybe I could pick out 5 specific events that really solidified my testimony. Hmm... easy enough.
#1. When I was about 10 or 11, I lived with my grandma because of the before mentioned abuse. She used to take me to church with her. In primary one Sunday, a bunch of boys in the other class (they separated boys and girls back then) found out that I hadn't been baptized. They then, began to make fun of me. Pointing and laughing, and asking why I was even allowed to come to church if I wasn't baptized. For a 10-11 year old, that was really hard to deal with. I didn't understand it myself, and what's worse than boys making fun of you at that age?! (Nothing. Nothing is worse.) Surprisingly, it was kind of a wake up call. The only way to get them to leave me alone was either A. start crying and tell their parents on them, or B. ... get baptized. It wasn't until 2001 that I actually got baptized, but I knew that HF needed to get my attention the only way He could at that age... through annoying, immature boys whom suddenly were the only reason worth living when you are a pre-teen. He knew me all too well. At my baptism, I must admit, I was a little embarrassed because I was 12 and not 8. I didn't invite my friends, other than Kaylynn who was my best friend, and her parents who let me take the discussions at their house. The bishop, of course (I was BFF's with his son Jason since pre-school, but didn't want Jason there). My mom, of course, my dad (who didn't show up) and all my family that wanted to come, I said yes to. But no one else from the church and no friends. I thought I would keep it secret, at least until they told everyone in Sacrament that I had already sealed the deal and they missed it. ;) My uncle Fred baptized me. The spirit was pretty strong, as I can recall. When I walked out of the dressing room and towards the fount, the room was PACKED. I was a little shocked, because I told my family how important it was that no one know about it. I didn't want people there, I was embarrassed and they needed to respect that fact. But there was nothing I could do as I walked into the water. When I came out of the dressing room again, and my cousins gave talks, everyone was crying. It was weird, because I didn't get why. My grandma told me that my granddad was sitting next to her. He passed away 2 years before I was born. I'd go on, but this is already super long. Needless to say, it was really spiritual in more than just one way. I knew that there was Someone watching out for me and my family. All my friends from church were there. All my teachers, and family friends... practically the entire WARD was there at my baptism. As much as I was embarrassed, everyone was so nice to me. I got so many cards expressing how much courage it takes to do what I did.
#2. Once when I was 14, my mom and step dad were fighting again and for some reason, I was really scared. I was laying in bed (because it was 2am) and sheer terror took over. I was so scared that someone was going to be murdered that night. I couldn't think of what to do, so I started humming Where Can I Turn For Peace? I didn't know the words, so I just hummed the melody. Almost instantly, the terror lifted. I was comforted. It's hard to explain without going into extremely detail, but it was like a was blanket thrown over me. I was protected from the abyss around me. Hymns truly are prayers.
#3. When I was applying for university. I had worked my butt off in high school, but I'm not very good at taking tests. I freeze up and have a lot of anxiety. So my grades weren't awesome, but I tried really hard and did pretty ok. (the two AP classes helped). I didn't want to apply to Boise State, because I HATE that school with a passion. Also, it's colors make me want to puke. I wanted to leave home and live in the dorms. I wanted to do my own thing. I applied to BYU-Idaho, BYU Provo (fat chance I'd get in), University of Utah, & Boise State (as my back up) in November of my senior year. It was probably pretty slim for most of them, especially being out of state. I was all geared to go to BYU-I (not my first pick, but I was ok with it). Out of the blue, I decided to apply to Utah State in December. I knew nothing of the school, nothing of the city, and no one who had applied there. But a lot of people talked highly of it. I didn't put much effort into my essay, I got letters from my teachers, and sent away. I had forgotten I even applied.
Both my letters came back from the BYU's. I had been accepted to BYU Provo for summer admission, but I wasn't ready to go in June... I had to work more and earn more money first. And then I'd have to arrange housing, and the price was a little higher than I had expected. I just wasn't ready, and it didn't feel right. I got accepted to BYU-I but I got put on a weird track. I was pretty bummed. My other friends got on the fall/spring track, but I was an opposite one. Boo! BSU and U of U came back all good, but I refused BSU, and U of U seemed so daunting, and I needed a couple of pre-reqs. On my birthday, I kid you not, my acceptance letter from USU came in the mail. The big envelope, not the small ones that I had gotten before. For some reason, I was ESCTATIC when I opened it. My mom was so happy. The other schools just didn't seem like they wanted me. But USU wanted me, just the way I was. I know it seems odd that I took it as a sign that I got the letter on my birthday, but I did. This moment was so special to me, that night I prayed pretty hard. I knew my friends were going to different schools, but I already had a job there (I just transferred), and they offered me in-state tuition... and I was PUMPED to go. Everything worked out perfectly! Again, HF knew just when I should get that letter. And knew I needed to go there.
#4. When I got married in the temple. Nuff' said.
#5. I am entering a foreign territory in my life. I'd prefer to keep it private, because I'm still going through it. I've had a lot of "depressed feelings" because of it (note: I didn't say depression, just depressed feelings). At one point (like in January of this year), I wanted to somehow find a way to not be alive anymore. I didn't want to 'do anything' to get to this place of 'not living', I just didn't feel like there was much to live for. Then my menstrual cycles started to do wonky things, like show up again 2.5 weeks after the last etc. So I went to see my doctor, and told him what was going on. He gave me a couple of options, one of which was a trial on a type of anti-depressant for 30 days. He said however, that aside from the 'suicidal thoughts' I didn't act like a depressed person. I never took the prescription, it's still hanging on my fridge. I somehow snapped out of it. I think it was the change in season, and gardening that really pulled me out of it. I consider myself pretty lucky to have only brushed the surface of what could have potentially been a pretty dark road. HF knew I was struggling, and for some reason that's all it really took for me to shake it off. I'm doing better in the depressed feelings area, but am still struggling with the trigger of those feelings in the first place.
As I type this, I am still starring into yet another abyss of life and I am scared to pieces and frustrated that things aren't going how I planned. But I am learning, it's not up to me. I found this poem, which sparked this whole blog post. I wasn't looking for it, I stumbled upon it today, and it's yet just another reminder that HF has a hand in my every day life, and cares about me when I feel so invalid.
Wait by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, “Wait.”
“Wait? you say wait?” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.
“My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.
“You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.”
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting for what?”
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
“I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.
“You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
“You’d never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
“The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I’m doing in you.
“So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait.
At first, I thought "well, duh. My entire life". But then I started to really reflect. I thought for sure, I could come up with a billion different times. I come from a poor family and am victim of abuse, and the only reason I am standing here today is because of HF's hands in my life. But I thought, maybe I could pick out 5 specific events that really solidified my testimony. Hmm... easy enough.
#1. When I was about 10 or 11, I lived with my grandma because of the before mentioned abuse. She used to take me to church with her. In primary one Sunday, a bunch of boys in the other class (they separated boys and girls back then) found out that I hadn't been baptized. They then, began to make fun of me. Pointing and laughing, and asking why I was even allowed to come to church if I wasn't baptized. For a 10-11 year old, that was really hard to deal with. I didn't understand it myself, and what's worse than boys making fun of you at that age?! (Nothing. Nothing is worse.) Surprisingly, it was kind of a wake up call. The only way to get them to leave me alone was either A. start crying and tell their parents on them, or B. ... get baptized. It wasn't until 2001 that I actually got baptized, but I knew that HF needed to get my attention the only way He could at that age... through annoying, immature boys whom suddenly were the only reason worth living when you are a pre-teen. He knew me all too well. At my baptism, I must admit, I was a little embarrassed because I was 12 and not 8. I didn't invite my friends, other than Kaylynn who was my best friend, and her parents who let me take the discussions at their house. The bishop, of course (I was BFF's with his son Jason since pre-school, but didn't want Jason there). My mom, of course, my dad (who didn't show up) and all my family that wanted to come, I said yes to. But no one else from the church and no friends. I thought I would keep it secret, at least until they told everyone in Sacrament that I had already sealed the deal and they missed it. ;) My uncle Fred baptized me. The spirit was pretty strong, as I can recall. When I walked out of the dressing room and towards the fount, the room was PACKED. I was a little shocked, because I told my family how important it was that no one know about it. I didn't want people there, I was embarrassed and they needed to respect that fact. But there was nothing I could do as I walked into the water. When I came out of the dressing room again, and my cousins gave talks, everyone was crying. It was weird, because I didn't get why. My grandma told me that my granddad was sitting next to her. He passed away 2 years before I was born. I'd go on, but this is already super long. Needless to say, it was really spiritual in more than just one way. I knew that there was Someone watching out for me and my family. All my friends from church were there. All my teachers, and family friends... practically the entire WARD was there at my baptism. As much as I was embarrassed, everyone was so nice to me. I got so many cards expressing how much courage it takes to do what I did.
#2. Once when I was 14, my mom and step dad were fighting again and for some reason, I was really scared. I was laying in bed (because it was 2am) and sheer terror took over. I was so scared that someone was going to be murdered that night. I couldn't think of what to do, so I started humming Where Can I Turn For Peace? I didn't know the words, so I just hummed the melody. Almost instantly, the terror lifted. I was comforted. It's hard to explain without going into extremely detail, but it was like a was blanket thrown over me. I was protected from the abyss around me. Hymns truly are prayers.
#3. When I was applying for university. I had worked my butt off in high school, but I'm not very good at taking tests. I freeze up and have a lot of anxiety. So my grades weren't awesome, but I tried really hard and did pretty ok. (the two AP classes helped). I didn't want to apply to Boise State, because I HATE that school with a passion. Also, it's colors make me want to puke. I wanted to leave home and live in the dorms. I wanted to do my own thing. I applied to BYU-Idaho, BYU Provo (fat chance I'd get in), University of Utah, & Boise State (as my back up) in November of my senior year. It was probably pretty slim for most of them, especially being out of state. I was all geared to go to BYU-I (not my first pick, but I was ok with it). Out of the blue, I decided to apply to Utah State in December. I knew nothing of the school, nothing of the city, and no one who had applied there. But a lot of people talked highly of it. I didn't put much effort into my essay, I got letters from my teachers, and sent away. I had forgotten I even applied.
Both my letters came back from the BYU's. I had been accepted to BYU Provo for summer admission, but I wasn't ready to go in June... I had to work more and earn more money first. And then I'd have to arrange housing, and the price was a little higher than I had expected. I just wasn't ready, and it didn't feel right. I got accepted to BYU-I but I got put on a weird track. I was pretty bummed. My other friends got on the fall/spring track, but I was an opposite one. Boo! BSU and U of U came back all good, but I refused BSU, and U of U seemed so daunting, and I needed a couple of pre-reqs. On my birthday, I kid you not, my acceptance letter from USU came in the mail. The big envelope, not the small ones that I had gotten before. For some reason, I was ESCTATIC when I opened it. My mom was so happy. The other schools just didn't seem like they wanted me. But USU wanted me, just the way I was. I know it seems odd that I took it as a sign that I got the letter on my birthday, but I did. This moment was so special to me, that night I prayed pretty hard. I knew my friends were going to different schools, but I already had a job there (I just transferred), and they offered me in-state tuition... and I was PUMPED to go. Everything worked out perfectly! Again, HF knew just when I should get that letter. And knew I needed to go there.
#4. When I got married in the temple. Nuff' said.
#5. I am entering a foreign territory in my life. I'd prefer to keep it private, because I'm still going through it. I've had a lot of "depressed feelings" because of it (note: I didn't say depression, just depressed feelings). At one point (like in January of this year), I wanted to somehow find a way to not be alive anymore. I didn't want to 'do anything' to get to this place of 'not living', I just didn't feel like there was much to live for. Then my menstrual cycles started to do wonky things, like show up again 2.5 weeks after the last etc. So I went to see my doctor, and told him what was going on. He gave me a couple of options, one of which was a trial on a type of anti-depressant for 30 days. He said however, that aside from the 'suicidal thoughts' I didn't act like a depressed person. I never took the prescription, it's still hanging on my fridge. I somehow snapped out of it. I think it was the change in season, and gardening that really pulled me out of it. I consider myself pretty lucky to have only brushed the surface of what could have potentially been a pretty dark road. HF knew I was struggling, and for some reason that's all it really took for me to shake it off. I'm doing better in the depressed feelings area, but am still struggling with the trigger of those feelings in the first place.
As I type this, I am still starring into yet another abyss of life and I am scared to pieces and frustrated that things aren't going how I planned. But I am learning, it's not up to me. I found this poem, which sparked this whole blog post. I wasn't looking for it, I stumbled upon it today, and it's yet just another reminder that HF has a hand in my every day life, and cares about me when I feel so invalid.
Wait by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, “Wait.”
“Wait? you say wait?” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.
“My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.
“You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.”
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting for what?”
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
“I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.
“You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
“You’d never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
“The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I’m doing in you.
“So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait.
