I love being married. Warren is great. We rarely disagree or argue. He's so sweet to me, and we love spending time together and doing fun things. We are attached to the hip. I couldn't have asked for anyone better.
Unfortunately, my best friend I've had for many years has decided to return me for a better model. Not Warren, but my other best friend, the one I didn't marry. It's been really hard for me to handle not having a best friend anymore. It seems like all I've got now is family. There's nothing wrong with that, but at the same time, there's everything wrong with that. Ever since Warren came into the picture, it's been a constant battle between her and I. I guess it's because she didn't like Warren, and I picked him over her. On my birthday last year, she came down to Logan to visit me... we got in a fight because I went over to Warren's (across the hall) to say hi. I was busy entertaining her and so I told him I needed to spend time with her. I didn't think there would be anything wrong with saying hello. Right before my wedding, she told me she was going to Hawaii the same weekend as my bridal shower in Boise, our home town. I could understand going to Hawaii, a once in a life time opportunity, and miss my bridal shower, after all, I didn't want the shower in the first place. But a few days later, I got a text message from her saying she wasn't going to be my maid of honor, or be at my wedding at all. I couldn't understand why this was all happening to me, I didn't know what I had done wrong. My sister got involved and straightened things out. A few weeks ago, she came down to visit, and it just wasn't as much as before, because I'm not as wild I was, and because Warren was here. I was a bit upset because since we are married, I can't just ask him to leave for a weekend while she's in town. I thought I had done a really good job making sure that she was happy. After she got home she wrote a blog on Myspace about how bad her weekend was. I couldn't believe it.
We finally decided that it was best to just not be friends. I couldn't handle her anymore. I didn't know how to please her, and it was always my fault if she wasn't happy. She relied on me so much I was letting her down. I couldn't say or do anything that didn't make her angry. I finally just gave up. It was causing me a lot of unwanted anxiety, and we all know that I already struggle with anxiety as it is. She kept posting blogs on Myspace about what a crappy person I was, and how she wished she had never been my friend... She also made a few comments that really struck nerves. Like how I didn't get very far in college because I wasn't good at math, and such things like that. It really hurt. I had my older sister look at it, and my mom... they weren't very happy either. My mom told me that people like her, who brag and show off about their religion as much as she did, and claim to be this great, high and mighty LDS child prodigy, shouldn't be tolerated when they write such hurtful things about someone else. Coming from my mom, who isn't active in the LDS Church anymore, this really made me feel so much better. She wrote me this long email about how I shouldn't be listening to this girl because nothing she had to say was true. Of course, she said it in a way that sounded better than my rendition of it, but you get the idea.
So why is being married so hard? It seems like now that my friend has discarded me, I can live freely and do my own thing, and not have to worry about whether or not I'm disappointing her. I don't have to worry about getting a lecture from her about not responding to text messages right away. I don't have to spend my entire day thinking of ways to entertain her when she comes to town, and then find out my efforts weren't good enough. I don't have to listen to her complain about there not being any jobs available, but how she's too scared to move away from home. It's funny... when I was in high school, I leared the difference between people... and why some people are liked and others aren't. I can look back now, and see myself with her and how we acted, and how she would act towards other people, and she is exactly the person I never wanted to be associated with, I just hadn't noticed it.
She was a great friend to me, and I've learned that I can't please both her and Warren at the same time. I've tried. Obviously, I picked Warren because there's no way I was going to not get married in this lifetime, and second, there's no way I was going to let this friend of mine control me. It's so hard being married because it seems like I have no friends anymore. I have friends at work, but someone says something to someone and word gets around to the other, and then suddenly they're not so nice to you anymore... it's like the water cycle. I try hard to be nice to people, but I'm so shy, I think they think I'm not interested. For some, I think I'm too spontaneous. I love just getting up and going. My old roommates so far seem to be the only ones I can really relate to. But at the same time, I'm married now, and it's not so easy to be spontaneous with them. It's a love/hate relationship. How do I do please everyone?
I'm really sad that my friend isn't my friend anymore. I miss her a lot. There are so many times when I want to text her or call her and tell her what I just did that was so funny and only she would actually find humorous because of an inside joke we had, but I can't. I can't tell her when I find out about a new friend from high school is engaged, and I can't tell her who's pregnant that we know either. I can't ask her opinion on things that happen at work with an office full of 6 girls, all I have now is Warren, and let's face it, he's not exactly the best with giving advice on what to do about gossipy girls. I'm just so sad. I thought getting married would make everything so great and that I'd be so happy... but it seems like I'm more miserable now than I was before. I'm not saying I'm going to get a divorce or anything crazy like that, I just don't know how I'm expected to balance everything. It just seems so unfair.
