The one year anniversary of my mothers death is quickly approaching. I've been thinking about how it's going to affect me. Will I be okay? Or will I just cry to myself... or will I a huge meltdown... will I be able to go to work, or should I just take the day off? Should I take the whole week off?
Make no mistake that each day that goes by, I'm hit with a ton of bricks at the realization that July 10th is getting closer and closer. I was thinking to myself this morning, and realized that it was this time last year that she went on hospice. At the time, I didn't know much about hospice services. All I knew was that it was like having a nurse that made house calls. Until one day at work, my sister called me up and we chatted a bit and she explained to me what hospice really was for- once someone goes into hospice care, they don't come out. I remember realizing what that statement meant. I knew I was going to lose her, and there was nothing anyone could do. I think back to how sick she was... and how her side affects of her body shutting down made me feel sick and made my body want to shut down. Towards the end when it was too hard for her sit up on her own, and it hurt too much for her to even move or breathe nonetheless, we had to feed her liquid morphine like the way you'd give Tylenol to an infant... it was ridiculously hard to do, and to watch. And then there was that time when had to put a diaper on her... I'm sure she's laughing up there in heaven because my sister and I had to tag team that task... and we laugh about it now.
I still to this day don't understand how she died. I get that her heart stopped beating and she quit breathing, all her organs stopped working. But what I don't understand is how the cancer caused all that to happen. I wish someone could just explain that to me.
I guess I'm just frustrated because that day is coming. And I don't know how I'm going to react. Remember in Gilmore Girls when Luke has his "dark day"? I just wish things could go back to the way they were. BAH! Okay, I'm done. Those are my thoughts.
Make no mistake that each day that goes by, I'm hit with a ton of bricks at the realization that July 10th is getting closer and closer. I was thinking to myself this morning, and realized that it was this time last year that she went on hospice. At the time, I didn't know much about hospice services. All I knew was that it was like having a nurse that made house calls. Until one day at work, my sister called me up and we chatted a bit and she explained to me what hospice really was for- once someone goes into hospice care, they don't come out. I remember realizing what that statement meant. I knew I was going to lose her, and there was nothing anyone could do. I think back to how sick she was... and how her side affects of her body shutting down made me feel sick and made my body want to shut down. Towards the end when it was too hard for her sit up on her own, and it hurt too much for her to even move or breathe nonetheless, we had to feed her liquid morphine like the way you'd give Tylenol to an infant... it was ridiculously hard to do, and to watch. And then there was that time when had to put a diaper on her... I'm sure she's laughing up there in heaven because my sister and I had to tag team that task... and we laugh about it now.
I still to this day don't understand how she died. I get that her heart stopped beating and she quit breathing, all her organs stopped working. But what I don't understand is how the cancer caused all that to happen. I wish someone could just explain that to me.
I guess I'm just frustrated because that day is coming. And I don't know how I'm going to react. Remember in Gilmore Girls when Luke has his "dark day"? I just wish things could go back to the way they were. BAH! Okay, I'm done. Those are my thoughts.
4 comments:
I love that you refer to Gilmore Girls... and better yet, that I actually know exactly which episode you are talking about.
I know that losing someone you love so dearly is hard, and I think you are doing a wonderful job of handling things. Hard days are to be expected, and I'm sure especially this 1 year anniversary will be hard. I would want to stay home from work, but then I think on the other hand I might do better to go to work because then at least I would be somewhat distracted... I don't really know what I would do in your situation. But I can bet you that your mom will be there comforting you all the while.
I wish I could say something comforting, but it's hard to know what to say.
I will say this though - you touch my heart whenever you talk about your mom. Thank you for sharing.
Prayers for you! :(
I wish I knew what to say too! I love that you share your feelings about your mom though. I think it's really good to be open about your feelings when you lose a loved one.
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